To The Victor Go The Spoils
by halfie1981
Summary: Lysander embarks on a dangerous, epic journey of revenge against Lorcan
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The characters portrayed herein belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros., Scholastic/Bloomsbury. No copyright infringement is intended. No money is being made.

Lysander was agog. No, he was aghast. Aggravated. How dare he? How bloody dare he! Lysander was the zany twin. The out there, wacky, funny twin. He played pranks and pulled people in like fish on a line. He laughed and made people smile, he was ...he was ....charismatic.

Lorcan was the one who was dour, anti social, serious. He had no sense of humour. His smile made babies cry! People stayed away for fear that one word may cause Lorcan to part them from their favourite anatomical necessity. Lorcan was mean!

Lysander spun on his heel and stormed out of the room in a furious whilwind of motion and loud swearing, some of which involved revenge using ants and melted sugar.

As lorcan got down from the ridiculously high stilts, Lily sniggered and asked "Do you think Ly realises he was saying that out loud? Coz, you know that we now have months of piss taking material right there."

Lorcan looked at her fromt he corner of eyes, and Lily's smile dropped slightly. "Fine. I wont take the piss. But seriously, zany?"

Lorcan siged and rose his eyes heavenwards, as though praying for patience. "You know, I have to say, I'm intrigued to find out if he really does go for revenger or not. He couldn't plan a piss up in a brewery, so there's at least the chance of some amusement there."

"You do realise that when Lysander goes totally off his rocker and kidnaps you and does unspeakeable things to you in the name of revenge, I wont help you out." Lily stated, crossing her arms over her chest. "You left me to deal with his 'sticky catch fly extra large fly paper' debacle, so you're on your own with this one."

Lorcan sniggered as he remebered the day that Lysander had hung huge strips of fly paper all over the offices, causing not only Lily, but Albus, James and Hugo to get caught and wrapped up in the stuff. The sight of them struggling and screaming and begging for help kept him warm on cold nights.

Lorcan was brought out of his remeniscence by Lily clearing her throat. Lorcan hadn't heard a throat clearing sound quite so disgruntled and angry before. Lily was a talented you lady, he decided as he raised one eyebrow and smiled slightly.

"Lysander can do his worst." he declared boldly before placing the ridiculous stilts that he had been testing for strength and manouvreability into Lily's hands and stalking out of the room towards his office.

"Fucking nut jobs, the pair of 'em." Lily muttered as she put the stilts back in the store room. She couldn't wait to tell Al, he'd love watching the twins try to one up each other. Oh yes, Lily thought to herself, with a not insignificant amount of gleeful mental hand rubbing, Let the games begin!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: The characters portrayed herein belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros., Scholastic/Bloomsbury. No copyright infringement is intended. No money is being made.

Pink fluffy kittens pottered merrily around the small, windowless room. They sang in harmony, a song of rainbows and flowers and butterflies. Some even held hands with one another. Some had little collars with bells on around their fluffy pink necks.

The man slumped in one corner of the room began to stir. As he moved to push himself up from the floor into a sitting position, the motion sensor operated cameras in the room were switched on, sending the images to a screen in a room on the next floor up. A room which also contained six people who were filled with unholy glee and anticipation. Six people who leaned forward in perfect synchronization.

"Here we go." Lily grinned. The games were commencing, and it looked as though a very exciting grudge match would ensue.

"You do realise that this will be taken as a declaration of war, don't you Lysander?" Teddy asked, unable to keep the amusement of his voice. He knew that Lorcan would never let this go, even if he did love his brother, deeply and, if honest, frequently.

"Is the video recording?" Albus demanded, with Scorpius nodding rapidly in agreement.

"Course it is. As if I'd let this happen without being recorded for posterity!" Hugo hissed back, affronted at the suggestion that the blackmail opportunity of the century would be allowed to pass them by.

"Sh. Look" Lysander mumbled, jabbing a finger at the screen in delight.

Back in the kitten room, Lorcan raised a hand to rub at his face in an attempt to get some feeling back in his left cheek, when he realised something was dreadfully, horrifically, world shatteringly wrong. His hand, his beautiful, elegant hand was encased in pink fur. Blinking, Lorcan's eye's trailed down the length of his body, which was similarly encased in pink fur. His head had little pink pointy ears on it. The were attached to some kind of headband. What kind of deviant shit was going on here?

Suddenly, the noise that had, in Lorcan's confused and troubled state, only been a quiet, if high pitched murmur, came into terrible clarity. Head shooting up, he gazed around the room, taking in the kittens, the words of their song reverberating around his skull.

Lorcan did the only sane and sensible thing a man is his position could do.

He screamed.


End file.
